| 02 August 2010
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am ecstatic about kicking off our "Jon Koncak Commemorative Awards" segment here on TheRealShaq. Thank you Carl, for your long and mostly unnecessary introduction. Thank you Bloguin, for the opportunity. And most of all, thank you readers, for perusing this work of crap. Onto the article!
Just in case you're not Indian, haven't eaten Indian food, or live under a rock, Chicken Tikka Masala is type of Indian curry. That's why I put "Chicken Tikka Masala" as Eddy Curry's middle name, you know, because... ahh nevermind. 
You know, when I was doing the research I needed to do for this article, I actually started feeling sorry for this man. There are so many things going against him, it is almost a tragedy. However, it seems like he brings most of it upon himself, so I don't feel so bad. Plus, I don't get paid to take it easy on people, so let the scathing commence.
To really get a good Eddy Curry article out, I realized I needed to step into his shoes for a day. Obviously I can't play in the NBA for a day, but neither can Eddy Curry (zing). Anyway, I slept until about noon, and immediately went and got some fast food, Jack in the Box to be exact. I ordered a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger Value Meal with curly fries.
That thing was so good, I am getting hungry again just thinking about every delicious morsel that entered my mouth. The whole value meal has approximately 1500 calories, or 2/3s of my recommended daily caloric intake. It is only fair to note that Eddy Curry is 3 times my weight, so he would have eaten 3 of these meals comparing apples-to-apples (3.14 times if he got regular fries instead of curly fries).
After that, I started doing every drug possible. I also bought a huge tub of Dreyers ice cream and pigged out on that for a bit.
So, here we are.
Backstory: Curry has played only 10 games over the last two seasons, sidelined by injuries, illness and ineffectiveness. However, Curry earned $10.5 million this season (09-10)and is scheduled to make $11.3 million next season (10-11) in the final year of his contract. The $11.3 million figure was a player option, which he of course recently picked up like I pick up STD's from hookers.
Of course, Eddy Curry did not show up to the Knicks summer league in Las Vegas.What a loser; I feel bad about missing rec basketball leagues where I PAY TO PLAY. However, Curry was probably in Las Vegas, just not on the basketball court. He was most likely gorging on the all you can eat buffets while picking up another 85% interest loan.
With the latest from Eddy Curry's saga,a Chicago judge has issued an arrest warrant for Curry after learning the troubled Knicks big man hasn’t paid approximately $200,000 of a $660,000 settlement for having sex witha 14 year old girl.The warrant is the 2nd that has been issued for Curry’s arrest since June. Apparently, he's been on the run for 2 weeks. Wow; $660,000?? Based on EC'sconditioning on the court, that sex was worth approximately $66,000/second.
Enough about his personal life. Let me tell you why Eddy Curry's contract hurts the NBA quite a bit, and the Knicks, even moreso.
Eddy Curry was playing for Chicago where he was underachieving, but not obscenely so. I would say he was playing to about75% of his potential. However, he had to miss the playoff series during his last season with the Bulls because of heart problems. One doctor suggested that Eddy Curry undergo a DNA test to see if he is prone to heart problems. I feel that this was a reasonable request, because we don't want another Hank Gathers tragedy (RIP). However, Eddy steadfastly refused and demanded to be traded (probably because he has 15 other kids out there who don't know who their father is). Isiah Thomas got wind of this, and shrewdly decided he'd do ANYTHING to get this fat tub of lard and his contract (6 years, $56 million) to the Big Apple.
When all was said and done, Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis were shipped to NY, in return for Tim Thomas (who is an expert at throwing chairs at Denny's diners who are trying to celebrate their 65th birthday at 3 AM), Michael Sweetney, and Jermaine Jackson.
But wait, that's not it!! Some first and second round picks were also relinquished. In particular,the 2nd pick of the 2006draft, LaMarcus Aldridge, went to the Portland Trailblazers,and the 9th pick in the 2007 draft, Joakim Noah, went to the Chicago Bulls, all thanks to the Knicks idiocy (in particular, Isiah Thomas - dude can't even spell his first name correctly, let alone manage a $600 million ballclub).
LaMarcus Aldridge is just an all around badass (who has a $65-70 million contract extension of his own coming up), and Joakim Noah has more hustle in his dick (no homo) than Eddy Curry has in his whole 330 pound Lincoln Town Car lardbody. Plus, he's funny as hell. Check out this tweets of the week article on AthleteTalk, the website Carl and I used to run before we got suckered into writing for Bloguin.
There is no glimmer of hope for Knicks fans, either, as Eddy Curry is not expected to accept any buyout offers. I don't think anyone is stupid enough to accept a sign and trade either (unless I can blackmail another NBA team to hire Isiah), so Knicks fans will just have to wait until after the 10-11 season, where we can finally drop his ass (hopefully off a cliff). By the way, I'm just now coming off my druggie high and food coma. Damn, it feels good to be Eddy Curry; all that's missing is a negative bank account.
On the bright side, Eddy Curry is a 100% career 3 point shooter (2/2), one of which was a buzzer beater against the Bucks!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMpuqoFmj7k&feature=player_embedded
Abhi is a writer and founder of SellTheMavs.com and the co-founderfor TheRealShaq. Contact Abhi here for comments and questions about this article. You can always Email TheRealShaqBlog with general comments or questions about the site. Follow TheRealShaqBlog on Twitter to get the latest updates about The NBA and professional Athletes and their tweets.
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